Too painful to laugh

It’s International Nurses Day 2020 and a motivation to digitally pen this piece. I find this COVID-19 time tough; it is tiring and has been something of an emotional experience. 

And that’s just the last week.

Whilst our team have worked hard with courage and resourcefulness, we’ve seen the impact on those dying and witnessed over the phone or via digital media the separation and sorrow on the part of loved ones.

I’ve wondered if I should scream at the sky, let the tears flow (wondering if they’d ever stop), simply wallow on the sofa (plus or minus alcohol) or find the words for a blog.

Apart from the poem below, tweeted about a week ago this will have to do.

Supporting each other has been critical; one of us is at home and able to work though stuck inside except the daily walk. I’m busy having daily interactions with others though each of those conversations has overtones of concern and uncertainty.

Then, personal loss struck through the death of a schooldays contemporary due to COVID. His family are bereft; and so many of us would like to be on hand to support and celebrate the life of Barry. 

And despite the jollity of VE Day and today being International Nurses Day it’s difficult to laugh and feel joyful.

And yet I am sustained today by the kindness of my team who staged an intervention today over their concern for me. Through social media there have been lots of messages broad and personal that have helped. Family members have been fabulous too. 

It’s good to celebrate the positives of nursing, where I’ve been home since 1978. 

I’m glad we can do this; and yet….

It is a painful time, and despite the rhetoric I’m not a hero. I’m simply doing a job I love. I suspect many of us will be reflecting on what it means to nurse, and to be bereaved at this time. 

I guess I could be accused of pouring cold water on this special day; it’s not what I intend. 2020 will remain a topic of discussion (for some); for others it may be just good to survive.

Thank you if you’ve got to here; I hope I’ve not been too negative. 

And I do look forward to laughing again soon.

Today, Was not just another day; A time when COVID anger and angst Brought so close pain and disbelief. And more pain, for those we’ve lost And those we’ve left alone. Tears don’t seem enough, For now they’ll have to do, Until we hold again. #COVID19. Written 5.5.20.

Life.Death.Whatever ... next?

I've wanted to write something about the Life.Death.Whatever. event for over a week now, since making my visit to the National Trust's Sutton House in Hackney where the October long event is being held. There was much to take in so I needed to start before too long goes by.

As I write this remarkable experience is in its last week; the creators and curators Louise Winter  and  Anna Lyons deserve praise and awards for the rich content that has gone into the exhibition. 
Use the website to see the ideas and contents of the exhibition; I'd like to reflect a little on my visit. I was able to attend the Good Funeral weekender where a variety of funeral providers and celebrants interacted with visitors set amongst the installations. I've included some pictures below.
I was able to reflect on the death of my father and who he was to me. This was really helpful as I come to understand who I am, and be at peace with what our relationship had as well as what was missed. Dad died 12 years ago and I'm conscious too that I am possibly - as has been mentioned recently - turning into my father. Given his health deteriorated with dementia progressing to dying aged 77 I'd prefer a different ending. Whatever ending that will be, Life Death Whatever helped me rethink how ones life can be celebrated as it ends and in terms of what happens when death happens. I realised we did a good thing in celebrating dad and his life; more recent family funerals have also been uplifting in terms of celebration rather than extreme somber-ness.
It's time to consider how I'd like to be remembered at the time of farewell; this requires thought and discussion with my loved ones. It will need financial planning and careful consideration; I have lots of music I'd like to include as well as some words to say, that is to have said. The great thing I learned on my visit was that there are many creative people who are willing to help with the farewell planning of an individualised event. 
From the coffin ball pit, the paintings, sculptures, digital recordings, talks and creative cocktails plus NT type tea coffee and cakes LifeDeathWhatever was thought provoking, challenging of traditional 
funeral rites, and a beautiful way to consider what we might like to do when death comes. After life there's death, and to save an awkward Whatever for those who are left behind, I suggest you get planning.
Thanks and congratulations go to all involved with LifeDeathWhatever; it will have affected people in many ways and I'm just describing one of the areas that it's had impact on me. I hope the team will be able to take LifeDeathWhatever forward; the openness of the conversations should however be all the responsibility of all of us. 

Louise Winter