Too painful to laugh

It’s International Nurses Day 2020 and a motivation to digitally pen this piece. I find this COVID-19 time tough; it is tiring and has been something of an emotional experience. 

And that’s just the last week.

Whilst our team have worked hard with courage and resourcefulness, we’ve seen the impact on those dying and witnessed over the phone or via digital media the separation and sorrow on the part of loved ones.

I’ve wondered if I should scream at the sky, let the tears flow (wondering if they’d ever stop), simply wallow on the sofa (plus or minus alcohol) or find the words for a blog.

Apart from the poem below, tweeted about a week ago this will have to do.

Supporting each other has been critical; one of us is at home and able to work though stuck inside except the daily walk. I’m busy having daily interactions with others though each of those conversations has overtones of concern and uncertainty.

Then, personal loss struck through the death of a schooldays contemporary due to COVID. His family are bereft; and so many of us would like to be on hand to support and celebrate the life of Barry. 

And despite the jollity of VE Day and today being International Nurses Day it’s difficult to laugh and feel joyful.

And yet I am sustained today by the kindness of my team who staged an intervention today over their concern for me. Through social media there have been lots of messages broad and personal that have helped. Family members have been fabulous too. 

It’s good to celebrate the positives of nursing, where I’ve been home since 1978. 

I’m glad we can do this; and yet….

It is a painful time, and despite the rhetoric I’m not a hero. I’m simply doing a job I love. I suspect many of us will be reflecting on what it means to nurse, and to be bereaved at this time. 

I guess I could be accused of pouring cold water on this special day; it’s not what I intend. 2020 will remain a topic of discussion (for some); for others it may be just good to survive.

Thank you if you’ve got to here; I hope I’ve not been too negative. 

And I do look forward to laughing again soon.

Today, Was not just another day; A time when COVID anger and angst Brought so close pain and disbelief. And more pain, for those we’ve lost And those we’ve left alone. Tears don’t seem enough, For now they’ll have to do, Until we hold again. #COVID19. Written 5.5.20.