Times of wonder and tears

In these darkened days where seasons slow,

Drear clouds lour overhead 

Tears will fall

Salty warm to frosty cold whilst

Grieving sobs overflow when 

Our best stars are lost from view.

We wonder how low and lost lives can be,

Such anxious struggles in an

Ever changing normality.

Yet witness now the timely wonder 

Of anticipation seen in younger eyes,

Bringing shafts of light to these times where 

Wonderment is holding, and healing,

So such times as now we should grasp 

The fertility of wonder to

Shape the coming year.

Philip Ball, November 2020.

Too painful to laugh

It’s International Nurses Day 2020 and a motivation to digitally pen this piece. I find this COVID-19 time tough; it is tiring and has been something of an emotional experience. 

And that’s just the last week.

Whilst our team have worked hard with courage and resourcefulness, we’ve seen the impact on those dying and witnessed over the phone or via digital media the separation and sorrow on the part of loved ones.

I’ve wondered if I should scream at the sky, let the tears flow (wondering if they’d ever stop), simply wallow on the sofa (plus or minus alcohol) or find the words for a blog.

Apart from the poem below, tweeted about a week ago this will have to do.

Supporting each other has been critical; one of us is at home and able to work though stuck inside except the daily walk. I’m busy having daily interactions with others though each of those conversations has overtones of concern and uncertainty.

Then, personal loss struck through the death of a schooldays contemporary due to COVID. His family are bereft; and so many of us would like to be on hand to support and celebrate the life of Barry. 

And despite the jollity of VE Day and today being International Nurses Day it’s difficult to laugh and feel joyful.

And yet I am sustained today by the kindness of my team who staged an intervention today over their concern for me. Through social media there have been lots of messages broad and personal that have helped. Family members have been fabulous too. 

It’s good to celebrate the positives of nursing, where I’ve been home since 1978. 

I’m glad we can do this; and yet….

It is a painful time, and despite the rhetoric I’m not a hero. I’m simply doing a job I love. I suspect many of us will be reflecting on what it means to nurse, and to be bereaved at this time. 

I guess I could be accused of pouring cold water on this special day; it’s not what I intend. 2020 will remain a topic of discussion (for some); for others it may be just good to survive.

Thank you if you’ve got to here; I hope I’ve not been too negative. 

And I do look forward to laughing again soon.

Today, Was not just another day; A time when COVID anger and angst Brought so close pain and disbelief. And more pain, for those we’ve lost And those we’ve left alone. Tears don’t seem enough, For now they’ll have to do, Until we hold again. #COVID19. Written 5.5.20.

Times for tears

I have recently wondered if had been developing hay fever; I've had ‘leaky eyes’ and perhaps a few sniffles at various times. I'm pretty sure though that there have been times when I've shed tears. As family will tell you simple things on tv will set me off; dare I say it extreme reactions to great acts on Britain’s Got Talent is an example.

At other times though other things have acted to set me off. Frustration at my own actions; delight in others successes; hearing inspirational stories and hearing news of those who have died.
After a busy time at work and recent terrorist acts in the U.K. I found myself suddenly anxious too. This caused me to reflect on what life was like at the heart of the Irish ‘troubles’ when I spent lots more time in central London. As I write I feel much less troubled about risks particularly as I commute by car each day.

What sparks the tears though? As I've reflected on my career in recent times I've recalled times of sorrow and delight. I've said before that my passion is about getting end of life care right for those who are dying. I've also said that in the position I'm in now means I have many people that I care for in our organisation. My actions can have ramifications that are unexpected; to get it wrong as I've owned I might do before, is frustrating though it becomes a vital learning experience. 
A contrast to this is seeing the investment in others resulting in their development; finding ways to study and change their lives as well as simply passing on messages of a thanks for a job well done is another cause for celebration. Yes, a potentially tear jerking time.

Obituaries of people who've been in the public eye, such as Peter Sallis who had entertained me for so long can induce a weepy episode, particularly when set alongside the news of multiple killings on Manchester and London streets. One person I recalled was Lawrence S. Newcombe who died in 1987 (with 30 others) helping another person in the King’s Cross fire; he trained as a nurse at the same hospital as me and I recall him as a force of nature.

My joy at the achievements of others has been filled today as one son, who is proudly part of the NHS has passed his training course and now has heard he has a job in the department he works in. Lastly however the inspirational story telling by people such as Tommy Whitelaw provokes my lacrimal ducts; he reminds me of the importance of knowing something of the person I'm with and finding out about their story. Being able to share our emotional reaction with those around us is powerful and emphasises our joint humanity. Allowing times for tears is as useful as sharing laughter; for me it's important we're open about this too.