Masking the reality

In the midst of this pandemic there has been a continuing focus in discussions about the importance of self care. I’ve been able to ‘keep going’ though challenges - such as a friend from school days dying in the first wave had impact. 

On top of that work has continued to get busier, caring for more of those dying. Our team has worked hard, making a real difference for our colleagues and those in our care. They continue to do so, supporting each other and providing the service as well as keeping up a stream of warm drinks, cakes, laughs, and gifts. I wonder now about the impact of these deaths on my evolving story. A positive aspect has been our love of sharing the stories of life outside work. Not always Covid-19 related, but tales of incidents, reminiscing about travels and family life.

Meanwhile the worsening pandemic news, coupled with a vision of vaccine salvation gave me mixed emotions. And the influence of all this? As a leader and managerI felt vulnerable, and I ignored the direction of my own story, becoming reluctant to show where everything I thought about was heading. 

Then a one off incident from nearly 7 years ago came back to have an unexpected impact. An anaphylactic shock brought on by a sun cream whilst visiting Canada, means I carry an adrenaline pen to avoid a recurrence. As the Pfizer vaccine was introduced two cases of an allergic reaction were noted. As a precaution (at the time of writing in Jan 2021), if you a carry an Epipen or similar, I was told you cannot have the Pfizer vaccine. In the last week there was news that there was less worry about potential allergies and the Pfizer vaccine so I asked again to be vaccinated. It turns out there is one ingredient in that vaccine that is also used in some sun creams. 

Leaving the vaccination centre without protection suddenly overwhelmed me. 

I cried as I walked away. I was willing to take the risk. I want to protect loved ones.

Without vaccination I remain vulnerable to Covid-19. 

It was then a colleague listened to my story and gave me permission to take time to process what it meant. 

Once able to recognise how the story was influencing me, I could take control of my narrative and reshape the next chapter. I do wonder though that many in leadership and management positions silence their own narratives whilst trying to help others. How healthy is that for us? Perhaps better to be open about ourselves rather than wearing emotional masks as well as physical ones.